Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Little Frumhouse on the Prarie has a sad post about a woman talking on her cell phone to a shadchan. She lies about her daughters dress size so that she'll have more of a chance to succeed in shidduchim. I think it's so sad.

B"H I didn't have to withstand this test. I am overweight and don't know what I would have done in the world of shidduchim. The whole shidduch world has gotten very ugly. Why do they need to know a girls dress size at all much less as the first thing you ask? What happened to middos, hashkafa, where she wants to live (E"Y or America), etc.? Aren't there so many things that are much more important? What if she's a size 2 but she's annorexic? Isn't it better to marry someone who is sane and is a much larger size. Isn't shalom bayis more important than a trophy wife?

This whole topic is very disturbing to me. There is so much wrong here. Why is it that today people feel that they need to lie in order to be successful in shidduchim? 1-the shadchan shouldn't be asking dress size 2-the mother shouldn't be revealing that 3-it shouldn't be important to the bachur. The fact that it's important to him shows that he's lacking something. Where are his values? She can be the greatest baalas middos but she doesn't have the right dress size so the shidduch will be dropped. That's nuts.

My friend one time went out with a guy who had seemed very excited when she spoke to him on the phone. At the date she sensed that something was wrong. When he broke the shidduch off she wanted to know why and he said that it was because he had thought that she was much skinnier and couldn't face the fact that she was overweight. He couldn't see past the pudge to the person. It was as if her fat blocked him from seeing who she really was. He didn't see her wonderful middos and her love of chessed and people. I couldn't believe this when I heard this story. All of my friends dieted when they were in the shidduch parsha (and unfortunately some still are). This friend was shocked as well when she heard his reason for dropping the shidduch. Clearly we both understood that it wasn't meant to be and that he was a very shallow person.

B"H both my friend and I married guys who we knew before we started shidduchim. She and I both met our husbands in NCSY. My hubby was my advisor and hers was a guy two years older than her. My hubby didn't make a move until I came back from seminary. He knew that it was meant to be (as did I) and so he asked me out. The rest is history. With my friend it was different. She went out for a while with other guys. She even inquired about this guy to see if he was dating and available. He kept saying no until one day he contacted her. They knew as well that it was meant to be. When you kind of know the person before from a more relaxed setting you don't have all of the pressure from shidduchim. We didn't have to get engaged by the third date or any other crazy things. B"H we are both happily married. I just had my third kid and she is expecting her second.

When I hear shidduch stories I can't help but offer a prayer of thanks to Hashem for allowing me to find my bashert quickly and easily. I also feel very pity towards my friends who have had it much harder. I wish that I could help them but since I didn't go out with tons of guys I can't really set them up. I do daven for them all the time. May Hashem listen to our tfilos and help them all find their bashert with ease.


frumhouse said...

Great post! I am so glad that you and your friend were able to find your basherts without all of the shidduch system angst. I also met my husband in college and avoided the shidduch process.

SuperRaizy said...

Nice blog! I found you via your comment on Frumhouse.
I agree with your point that meeting under relaxed, informal circumstances is usually better than formal shidduch dating, which has gotten so crazy lately.

BB said...

Thanks for all the positive feedback FH and SR. It really gives me the strength to keep on blogging. It's nice to know that someone cares enough to read my kvetching and daily activities.