Don't worry. I don't think I'm clinically depressed although I've been in a very meloncholy mood lately. It's strange b/c I was on such a high after giving birth but I guess I had to come crashing down at some point. That point has come. I've been having a very hard time managing with my three kids. I can deal with one of them at a time or even with two at a time but the middle one is quite a challenge and it's one that I'm not meeting.
I've been going to Miriam Adahan classes about parenting. I have been reluctant to implement her system in the house because of my husband who doesn't like shtick. He just wants me to improve myself without his input and help. Unfortunately I need a lot of help. He just fails to see this. He sees that I'm really really messed up. He's sees how negative I am and that I'm never happy. He doesn't see why he needs to help me be happy. He doesn't see what a huge role he can play. He refuses to play any role.
I have come to the realization that I must change something and I need that change to come quickly. I need to change the way I relate to my kids. I need to change my outlook on life. I need to become happier and to value all of the good that is given to me. This is very much against my nature. This is my avodas hachayim, the work that I'll need to complete over the course of my life. I need to figure out how to take the lemons that life hands me and to make lemonade. I need to find a way to keep smiling throughout the day. This is just so hard for me. It's especially hard since I just had a baby and am not getting so much sleep.
Normally, I'd say that as long as I'm sleeping well and eating at least three meals a day I should be pretty okay. Under those circumstances I really wouldn't have a good excuse for not being thankful and happy. My husband says that I call him too much at work and that every phone call is a complaint about something else. I'll admit that I knew this. It's not news to me. I like to involve him in my daily life. He doesn't want to be involved. He just wants to come home to a house that's filled with sleeping kids, a happy wife and a ready made meal. (wouldn't I like the same)? All of my interactions with my hubby are negative. I can't stop the stream of negativity.
I'd say that the same is true with my kids. I can't withhold my criticism from them. Even if it's something so minor. I always need to tell them that they shouldn't do this, that or the other thing. I always need to show them how something could be done differently. I always need to attack them verbally. I wish it could stop. I feel so out of control.
I guess I really wanted to tell my hubby abt this so he could help me but instead he seems to be saying find your own way to get through this. He perfected himself already prior to getting married since he's older than I but I got married young. I still have a lot to work on. I have a whole huge amount of Jewish guilt resting upon my shoulders. I wish I could be a better mother and wife but I am doing the best I can. I feel so unappreciated and unloved. It could be that if I were in constant contact with a super optimist I would be able to work on myself more easily. Doing this alone is so hard. I feel so helpless and hopeless. I feel like I have a huge mountain to climb with nobody to help me. It's all up to me. And if I am able to do this, in the end I will get sooooo much reward for the hardships involved.
The problem is that I don't know where to start. Every day I think about how horrible I acted and what I can change but the next day I fall into the same exact trap. I speak the same way and act the same way. I can't seem to do anything to change. Sometimes I just feel like yelling, "What's wrong with me?" But I'm affraid to hear the answer which may be very long. Sometimes I just feel like I need a hug or a good girlfriend who I can talk things over with. Being away from my best friends and family makes that hard.
For tomorrow I will try to limit the number of phone calls I make to my husband. I will also try to limit their content to neutral or positive things and to things that are not trivial. I'm sure there will be lots more updates following this post.