Venting Session about Hubby

I know that I really shouldn't do this but....I NEED to vent and let off some steam. I'm really really really annoyed at my husband. Is it because I asked him to take out the garbage on his way to work and he didn't? Is it because this is the millionth time this happened? No. Is it because I asked him to get change so I could pay the babysitter today? No. Is it becaused I caused him to be in a crabby mood today? Perhaps. Is it because every time I call him he tries to end the class as soon as possible? Could be. Is it because he uses different standards of what's okay for him and for me? Yup.

When my in-laws were here they brought feet pjs for my older son. I waited until last night to give them to him. It was too hot when they were here. I asked my hubby if it's okay that I wait to give them to him. He said yes. Last night after the bath I felt that the kids might be cold so I let them wear feet pjs. I took out the new ones for my son. He was excited to see them. He insisted that they fit even though they were a little big. He liked the space shuttles on them.

This morning when my hubby got home from shul and saw him wearing them he was upset that I had let our son wear them when he wasn't there to see it. I guess it was insensitive of me. He was really really annoyed at me. He kept saying that he couldn't believe that I didn't wait for a night when he was home early to do this. Mind you that there is no night when he's home early -except Friday night and Saturday night. So then he asked what my sons reaction was when he saw the pjs. He expressed how annoyed he was again since he was the one who asked his parents to bring the pjs. How could I not wait for him? Well gee. He did say that I could wait to put them on him for another night. He never said that he wanted to be there when he puts them on. He never told me that he wanted to be the one to put the pjs on him. I guess I should have known. This isn't the first time this happened. Yup, I should have known. No excuses.

So I'm annoyed-at him and at me. So hubby goes to work all annoyed. Then I call him to tell him I made a dentist appointment and I can tell in his voice he's still annoyed and wants to get off soon. We hang up. Then later I get another important phone call so I call him to let him know what the lady said. Again he is eager to hang up. Fine. Maybe he has lots of work to do. Okay. Then, he asks me what's for dinner. The dreaded subject. I say, you're having hot dogs and I'm having wedding food. This was my way of hinting to him that I need him home early so I can get to my secretary from school's wedding. So he says: At 8:30 right? I say: very funny. He knows it starts at 7:30 and I need him home at 7. Then I say how I'm so happy to have married someone with such a sense of humor. He apparently got offended. Maybe he's still upset about what happened in the morning. When I tried to get him to talk to me he said he wanted to hang up. When I tried to pry out of him what was wrong he hung up on me. When I called back and told him that I didn't like the way the conversation ended and I really wanted closure for the subject he refused to talk to me about anything. He said that I wasn't his therapist. I told him that I wasn't but I was his wife and therefore I wanted to know what was going on and why he wasn't talking to me. Finally after not getting anywhere with him I got so upset that I hung up. I was almost in tears.

Why can't he just talk to me and tell me what's wrong? Doesn't he want to work things out? Maybe he's just given up. He always says things like that. He doesn't see any point in telling me because I won't have the right reaction. He feels the need to hide things from me because I'll react in the wrong way and I'll say things that will hurt him. Maybe it's just because I'm a woman but I feel the need to talk things out. Even if the talking leads to unpleasant things being said but when two people share their feelings I feel that progress has been made. I'd rather he tell me he's upset and why than that he not tell me but I know that he's upset but I have no idea why. He feels that if he would tell me I wouldn't understand why he's upset and therefore he shouldn't bother telling me. I feel that if he'd tell me maybe I could do something about it.

Basically, shalom bayis issues. Yea, I know that this isn't the type of stuff that people normally share on their blogs but I NEEDED to vent. The whole reason I started this blog was to be able to vent at someone other than my hubby. He didn't want to hear it any more.

So, I'm really unhappy right now. He won't apologize because he just doesn't do that. I can't because I have no clue what I did wrong and even if I did he wouldn't accept my apology. He'd say it's fake and I don't mean it. If I meant it I wouldn't do this again and again and again. So, I'll just be walking around with a sad look on my face for the rest of the day. Man I hate this stuff. It's much easier to never see him and to go to sleep before he comes home and to not have to talk in the morning. Unfortunately that isn't the way things are so we'll have to see what happens. It's probably going to be a stalemate for a while. I'd call but I think it won't do any good. I'll probably have to wait until he calls to tell me he's leaving work or until he actually comes home (at which point I'll be exiting to get to the wedding). Sigh!

Depression

Don't worry. I don't think I'm clinically depressed although I've been in a very meloncholy mood lately. It's strange b/c I was on such a high after giving birth but I guess I had to come crashing down at some point. That point has come. I've been having a very hard time managing with my three kids. I can deal with one of them at a time or even with two at a time but the middle one is quite a challenge and it's one that I'm not meeting.

I've been going to Miriam Adahan classes about parenting. I have been reluctant to implement her system in the house because of my husband who doesn't like shtick. He just wants me to improve myself without his input and help. Unfortunately I need a lot of help. He just fails to see this. He sees that I'm really really messed up. He's sees how negative I am and that I'm never happy. He doesn't see why he needs to help me be happy. He doesn't see what a huge role he can play. He refuses to play any role.

I have come to the realization that I must change something and I need that change to come quickly. I need to change the way I relate to my kids. I need to change my outlook on life. I need to become happier and to value all of the good that is given to me. This is very much against my nature. This is my avodas hachayim, the work that I'll need to complete over the course of my life. I need to figure out how to take the lemons that life hands me and to make lemonade. I need to find a way to keep smiling throughout the day. This is just so hard for me. It's especially hard since I just had a baby and am not getting so much sleep.

Normally, I'd say that as long as I'm sleeping well and eating at least three meals a day I should be pretty okay. Under those circumstances I really wouldn't have a good excuse for not being thankful and happy. My husband says that I call him too much at work and that every phone call is a complaint about something else. I'll admit that I knew this. It's not news to me. I like to involve him in my daily life. He doesn't want to be involved. He just wants to come home to a house that's filled with sleeping kids, a happy wife and a ready made meal. (wouldn't I like the same)? All of my interactions with my hubby are negative. I can't stop the stream of negativity.

I'd say that the same is true with my kids. I can't withhold my criticism from them. Even if it's something so minor. I always need to tell them that they shouldn't do this, that or the other thing. I always need to show them how something could be done differently. I always need to attack them verbally. I wish it could stop. I feel so out of control.

I guess I really wanted to tell my hubby abt this so he could help me but instead he seems to be saying find your own way to get through this. He perfected himself already prior to getting married since he's older than I but I got married young. I still have a lot to work on. I have a whole huge amount of Jewish guilt resting upon my shoulders. I wish I could be a better mother and wife but I am doing the best I can. I feel so unappreciated and unloved. It could be that if I were in constant contact with a super optimist I would be able to work on myself more easily. Doing this alone is so hard. I feel so helpless and hopeless. I feel like I have a huge mountain to climb with nobody to help me. It's all up to me. And if I am able to do this, in the end I will get sooooo much reward for the hardships involved.

The problem is that I don't know where to start. Every day I think about how horrible I acted and what I can change but the next day I fall into the same exact trap. I speak the same way and act the same way. I can't seem to do anything to change. Sometimes I just feel like yelling, "What's wrong with me?" But I'm affraid to hear the answer which may be very long. Sometimes I just feel like I need a hug or a good girlfriend who I can talk things over with. Being away from my best friends and family makes that hard.

For tomorrow I will try to limit the number of phone calls I make to my husband. I will also try to limit their content to neutral or positive things and to things that are not trivial. I'm sure there will be lots more updates following this post.